I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
