Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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