I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
