I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
