i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
