so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
