Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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