She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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