This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
