I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
