You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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