Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
