oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
