my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
