I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
