I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
