We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
