it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
