I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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