Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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