he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
