So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
