if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hippo gnu deer
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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