Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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