brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
