My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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