i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
