I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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