Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
