She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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