his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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