i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
as a side note pls kill me
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
