I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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