I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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