He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
