I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
