Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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