I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Your cock deserves a montage
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
