I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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