I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
