Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
