you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I lost the right to judge tonight
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
