so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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