booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize