Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
