girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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