life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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