Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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