apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
