The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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