if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize