My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
