Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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