just tell him i said nine months
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize