I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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