OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
