My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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